My mind is confused and my heart is heavy. Probably because of thoughts and emotions intertwined in complexity and turmoil. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to stop.

I remember someone saying that you can describe LIFE in three words. It goes on. True enough, it does. Just like in a race, when one falls, the others go on and continue. At times when you feel you hit rock bottom, the world doesn’t stop to morn with you, to be sad with you, to simply listen to you. Things keep on moving. People keep on living. That’s just how things are in this world of the living.

I would say that right now, I’m once again in a crossroad. Faced with a choice of changing my world or changing my self. There are times in one’s life that you tend to be too comfortable of what you are and what you have that you don’t accept change. You resist change. I guess that’s where I am. I am stuck in this small, little comfortable air bubble that I call my reality and simply ignores the harsh realities that I should be dealing with outside.

Whenever you are outside your comfort zone, you are vulnerable. And basically, I don’t want to feel such. To simply put it, I’m not much of a risk taker. I play safe. And I guess that’s where trouble begins. Whenever trouble boils, I tend to shield myself by going inside my bubble, my mental place of safety. I stay there and wait until the coast is clear. I find out later on that the world has passed by me.

Resistance to change is resistance to growth. I know I’m preaching ironically. But saying it boldly is something to start with. I hate change probably because I hate to grow. Why do I hate to grow? Because it’s painful. Who wants pain right? But should one stop growing just because it’s painful?

It’s often difficult to bring yourself to conclusion. As a person, we usually solicit advice from others who know us and see us in a different light. Right now, I’m writing “out loud” my thoughts. This way, I get to document it. Read it. And make it a reality. As writing they say is therapeutic, it is as well a means to personal realization and resolution. I hope to reach that stage, that part where happy endings are simply the beginnings.

I remember one time I took this “How Geek are You” test in facebook. The result made me smirk. It said I am not really a geek but just a dreamer caught in my little own world. It was fun. But I felt it was true as well. It brought about a silent reality in me, a confirming thought I tried to avoid.

So I guess this is where I am right now. A lot must be done, inside and out. I guess what you feel inside manifests outside, in your actions, your words. Cleaning the outside is but a useless effort if one does not begin within. Once again, I’m preaching ironically here. But I guess that’s just how I talk to myself.

Life is hard and avoiding it makes it much worse. One just have to learn to live with the fact that things just don’t always go our way. Quoting one book, “The world does not owe us a living. In fact, it does not owe us anything. It was here first”. Very true.

I guess I just have to learn to swallow what I find difficult to swallow. That’s just how it is – all in the world of the living.

To many, we are celebrating our 8^th year together. But we both know it’s more than that. To some, we are celebrating the night you said yes to my question. To me, we are celebrating the start of a long-running adventure. It was like I was signing a contract – one that allows me to be with you on something more than us, a life to discover. We were very young then, our hearts were nervous and full of hopes and dreams. It was more of an experiment really, especially for me (and I guess for you too). I was never courageous enough to tell you personally how I felt for you. I don’t know it yet then whether it was like or comfort or friendship that I was asking for. I just went on what my heart could not content. I could not stand to talk in front of you so I had to write this letter in a small piece of stationary paper just to tell you what you meant to me. It was fun. It was scary. Most of all, it was the start of a new adventure… to friendship, to fun, to life, to love.

The past eight years that have gone did not come without struggles. As our relationship grew, so did our friendship. We were more than friends, we were close buddies. You knew my heart aches, I knew yours. You knew my dreams and desperations, I knew yours. I learned how you dislike people who take with them the things that you discovered first to be wonderful. It was fun looking at you like that – you looked like a little girl whose special cone of ice cream was taken away from her. At the beginning years, there were a lot of adjustments. I was always hot tempered. You were always point blank – as if there is nothing to make fuzz about all the time. I was a worrier; you were a happy-go-lucky. I was a planner, you were spontaneous. I was a nagger, you were passive. I was a wet blanket, you are the party. This is something I have said always before, and I guess I’ll never grow tired of telling you this: you give colour to my world. I am the whip cream; you are my cherry on top. When I am with you, things are always brighter. Though honestly, you sometimes bug me for hours with your never ending stories. I sometimes get tired of it… but not of your enthusiasm in life. Your positive views of life make mine so much better. You remind me of the good there is around in this difficult world. You never fail to make me smile.

As to celebrate love, there is nothing more I could ask for but for me to show you more love. I know a lot of things are more difficult for both of us ever than before. I don’t talk to you that often anymore. I don’t make you poems or make you fun greeting cards or send you white roses anymore. It’s something I need to work on. And it’s something that makes you smile for the day, I know. Because of you, I have seen a lot of the world around me. You opened me to the complexities of women. You introduced to me the art of loving. You showed me how to be gentle. You dressed me up well – literally. You are the one who made me respect women. You showed me how complicated a girl can be. Yet, you never fail to amaze me how you make life so much simple. I envy you on that. That’s why it’s good to have you

As to reasons why I am still with you, the list would just go on and on forever. That’s because I have only seen a part of you. People like you are never hard to love. And people like has more than what meets the eye. I do not claim that I know you fully. All I could claim is that you showed me what you are and what you can be for the time we were together. You were simply yourself and I love you for that. You were never what others want you to be.

After this 8^th year together, a new chapter in our lives are unfolding. Mine has started already, and yours, pretty soon. What we had for the past years is something no one can ever take away. It has been part of our lives, one that I would treasure forever. We do not hold what God brings us in the near future. We do not know yet what happens of us. We could only do so much, aspire so much and wish so much. But we do not hold a hundred percent guarantee of what is ahead.

Still, if ever you wonder how my past eight years have been, it has been one fascinating ride. And if you ask me again, how I want to spend the next eight years of my life, I want to spend it with you. Then the next eight years after that, then the next after that, then the next after that…

The darkness fold but the wind seems stolen

Rain pours down and the ink all blotted

So was my heart, my sad soul flooded

– oOo –

For what was a romance of a lifetime challenged

By distance and time and events that happened

As our paths seem to part, our spirits could not

We were two young hearts then who gave it a shot

– oOo –

What started as like turned out into love

And friendship so deep one sweetly could have

All laughters and tears, sunshines and downpours

Played part of the whole, one we could call ours

– oOo –

You may dream now of new things, new places to see

I too may be hoping of what could be of me

I know that some day we’ll turn out to see

All that we’ve wanted were being you and me in we