My mind is confused and my heart is heavy. Probably because of thoughts and emotions intertwined in complexity and turmoil. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to stop.

I remember someone saying that you can describe LIFE in three words. It goes on. True enough, it does. Just like in a race, when one falls, the others go on and continue. At times when you feel you hit rock bottom, the world doesn’t stop to morn with you, to be sad with you, to simply listen to you. Things keep on moving. People keep on living. That’s just how things are in this world of the living.

I would say that right now, I’m once again in a crossroad. Faced with a choice of changing my world or changing my self. There are times in one’s life that you tend to be too comfortable of what you are and what you have that you don’t accept change. You resist change. I guess that’s where I am. I am stuck in this small, little comfortable air bubble that I call my reality and simply ignores the harsh realities that I should be dealing with outside.

Whenever you are outside your comfort zone, you are vulnerable. And basically, I don’t want to feel such. To simply put it, I’m not much of a risk taker. I play safe. And I guess that’s where trouble begins. Whenever trouble boils, I tend to shield myself by going inside my bubble, my mental place of safety. I stay there and wait until the coast is clear. I find out later on that the world has passed by me.

Resistance to change is resistance to growth. I know I’m preaching ironically. But saying it boldly is something to start with. I hate change probably because I hate to grow. Why do I hate to grow? Because it’s painful. Who wants pain right? But should one stop growing just because it’s painful?

It’s often difficult to bring yourself to conclusion. As a person, we usually solicit advice from others who know us and see us in a different light. Right now, I’m writing “out loud” my thoughts. This way, I get to document it. Read it. And make it a reality. As writing they say is therapeutic, it is as well a means to personal realization and resolution. I hope to reach that stage, that part where happy endings are simply the beginnings.

I remember one time I took this “How Geek are You” test in facebook. The result made me smirk. It said I am not really a geek but just a dreamer caught in my little own world. It was fun. But I felt it was true as well. It brought about a silent reality in me, a confirming thought I tried to avoid.

So I guess this is where I am right now. A lot must be done, inside and out. I guess what you feel inside manifests outside, in your actions, your words. Cleaning the outside is but a useless effort if one does not begin within. Once again, I’m preaching ironically here. But I guess that’s just how I talk to myself.

Life is hard and avoiding it makes it much worse. One just have to learn to live with the fact that things just don’t always go our way. Quoting one book, “The world does not owe us a living. In fact, it does not owe us anything. It was here first”. Very true.

I guess I just have to learn to swallow what I find difficult to swallow. That’s just how it is - all in the world of the living.

For you my dear…

On your birthday

Life itself has seemed to stop for the moment.

Well, at least for the life in the big city.

The holidays came and everyone are set to rest.

I sit by the sea, watching as each wave rush to the shore.

The wind is cool.

The sun is high.

People began crowding by the shallows.

I was looking for my piece of shore.

I was looking for some peace of mind.

I was looking for silence, solitude.

I was looking for that time when I watch the sea with you.

Then, I got a call.

It was you on the other line.

You were freezing in the cold of melting snow.

Your hands were purple and freezing.

While I keep my self from roasting, you were keeping yourself from cold.

While I wear the thinnest clothes, you were wearing the thickest jackets.

While I walk the hot sand, you walk the knee-high snow.

Our lives have simply gone their own paths.

I guess that’s just how it is,

When lovers live in different worlds.

It’s simply fascinating when love knows no weather.

When love knows no distance.

When love knows no time.

Just as a movie is made out of thousands of pictures breezing through the screen,

So are our lives made up of thousands of moments,

Each made to play a part of the whole.

Though I understand how we hope to live our lives in the future,

I could not deny that sadness is inevitable.

Moments intertwined in the whole scheme of things.

Moments caught in time.

Moments full of color and dull.

These and a whole lot more fill our present lives.

Lives of lovers living in different worlds.

As I set my eyes to sleep tonight,

Your day has just began.

I close my lights as your sun plays peek-a-boo by your window.

The world has not gone mad.

It’s just how things work when lovers live in different worlds.

I seek for you each moment

Though our moments do not meet.

I see your face in daylight

While I hope you dream of me at that time.

I wake to see the beauty of life

And you sleep to find rest.

When your sky is full of stars,

My sky is clear and blue.

It is just so wonderful though,

That no matter how opposite and distant

Our worlds have gone for now,

Love does create a bridge that brings itself across our worlds.

I guess that’s just how it is

When lovers live in different worlds.

p. s. have a safe trip my dear. take care always. loving you…

The two old colleagues just had a business trip at the big city, so it was a good time to catch-up on each other. They’ll be attending a training in the next two days so I was trying to schedule some time with them before they get too busy.

Well, that’s just how it is living in a place that you still can’t call home. You always look for the familiar - familiar friends and friendly faces, homey stories and the usual laughter with good old pals. Growing up and starting a new life is fun and at the same time, challenging. Often times, I long for the home I know. However, I cannot deny the fact that a lot of things amaze me in this new life I have - new cultures (some weird, some nice), new attitudes, new people. I would say, this new life of mine has brought me deeper maturity of my understanding of things.

I guess this is my reality right now. My past is all but behind me, and my future is yet to unf0ld. A lot of what lies beyond, I do not know of. All I have is my past, and the faith in my God  which helps me look forward each and every day.

Many times, I wake up in the morning wondering what will transpire before me. Smiling as the day begins helps a lot to start your day. Real joy is not something you solicit from others. Real joy is what comes from within after being greatful of what you have.

Still, a lot of times, I cannot hide the truth of loneliness. Even until now, I still long for the life I had back home. I still long for the times when I see my Switee everyday. I still long for the life I had when my world was smaller and my reality was less than what I have now. But then again, the only way to go is forward. And onward, forward, one must go through life. The last time I went home, many where very much the same. The smell, the touch, the presence at home is always the same. If there is one thing that’s  changed, it was me. Life has changed me. I might deny it now but the things you learn outside the comforts of your home is always something unfamiliar.

Unfamiliarity brings with it anxiety. But it brings a lot of good stuff as well - new friendships, new learnings, new points of view, things that are essential in growing as a person. Right now, I tend to shape what I hope to be in the future. But in reality, I do not know of what I become in the future. It is in faithfulness that one finds comfort and peace of mind in whatever the future holds. A lot of moments will be happy, a lot will be sad, and a lot are dull, boring moments. But surely, whatever the future may hold, there is only one thing that you have control of. That is the present. Making the most of it is never easy. In fact, it’s a craft. Yet in failure, you get to learn. In failure, you get to realize how frail and limited a being you are. It is in accepting one’s finite capacity that you get to see the greatness of an infinite God. Accepting that reality brings you peace.

As I was writing, I was playing this web radio and the music was soothing and calm. It’s a contempo station and the music was taking me to thoughts of the past and the future. Well, I could never take away the thoughts I have of my switee… I keep her in my prayers. Stay safe my dear… (sorry for the cluttered thoughts )

Tomorrow is another day. Monday work day. Another chance to do one’s best

Let me sleep tonight. I hope I get to see you in my dreams my dear. For now, let me embrace you there…

P. S. loving you always my switee

I planned to go to the gym and do a bit of buying but opted not to. I decided to stay and tinker a bit with the new toy. After a few game hours, I went to clean the kitchen and fixed myself something to eat.

The day was really fine. By dinner time, I decided to watch the Benjamin Button movie. I planned to watch this in big screen before but didn’t have the time. The movie was, for me, calm and beautiful. It made me realize how I see my life.

Often times, or most of the time, we deal with everyday situations - problems with your roommates, your neighbors, issues at work. Through all this, many times we forget how what we are doing right now becomes a “yesterday” tomorrow… which soon becomes a few months ago a few months from.. and then simply becomes a distant past in the distant future.

With this thought, I went recalling my childhood. I went nostalgic and tried to feel what it was to be five or seven years old. Back then, you always wonder why there are a lot of things you can’t do that adults can’t. Being the youngest of seven siblings, I see and feel this a lot. I recalled how I behave - since oftentimes my requests are refused, I tend to do things my way. I had no one to do things for me. A dog can never get a glass of water for you Although I am quite a chatty boy, I grew up thinking that I am a loner. I seldom share my thoughts to my older siblings. Oftentimes, they didn’t care. There is just so much going around in the adult world that there’s no strength and time to go into mine.

I remember how life was so difficult back then. I remember not knowing my dad until I was about 5. Back then, he was never around. But before I continue, please note that this does not mean I have something against my dad. It’s just that.. that’s the way it happened

As I continue, I grew up with my hands dirty with dust and soil. Well, I was very playful and curious so yes, I get my hands dirty because of playing as well. But other than that, I grew up being taught how to clean the house and do my part with the chores. The house then was very big (well at least for me since I was a small boy then) and the lawn was as well. There were a lot of fruit trees around (about 9). The front yard was beautiful as there was lawn grass in it.

Although I can say my childhood was fun, it was not a fairy tale. I had my share of pains and heartaches.

Imagine this, we were seven siblings, my dad is not around, and my mom does not have a steady job. It was very heavy for her. That then translates to how she handles all seven of us. She was very very, and I tell you, very strict. The last thing she wants to know is her son cutting classes after a day of looking for something to feed her family. I can write indefinitely about my mom but to sum it up, she was strict and she needs to be.

Looking back today, I am so happy to have been her son. I remember the times when she is at home, her and my youngest sister lie down in the landscaped grass, watching the stars. She teach us songs that she learned when she was a child. It was beautiful. I recall now how inspite of the difficulties she faced then, she still had the time to sing songs with us and play with us. Though for her, each day is a problem as to where will she look for money to feed us, she had always shielded us from the painful world that was around us. It was better for her to recieve insults herself than for us to be hurt with harsh words. I can talk about my problems and issues here yet, as I write at this moment, I saw how small my problems are compared to my mom’s. Thanks mom

With the difficulties, I learned to be easily contented with what I have. With little that we have, I grew up to share food with siblings, share bed, share room and share life with plenty of people. As the people in the house is enough already, I did’t have that much friends except at church. At school, I usually have few good ones. I still remember the times when we have no electricity because we can’t pay it on time. We used candles for more than a month to do our home work and evening chores. I also recall selling at school, may it be Otap (biscuit), chocolates or candies. Early on, I was taught to be self-sufficient, thrifty and contented. Having sardines for dinner was already a feast. One can of sardines must be mashed and dilluted into a bowl of noodle soup to feed all eight mouths.

A big part of my childhood was with the church I grew up with. Well, I guess that can be a whole separate entry

I was a small boy (and now a small man). Often times, I defend myself with talking. Maybe that’s how I get my talkative mouth A lot of times too, I catch myself dreaming. And I still do. I remember one time, I was in grade four. It was science class. The wind was cool and it was almost summer. I looked outside the window and I saw this out-of-school boy who was flying a kite. My eyes were caught, thinking about how high the kite was. It was a red kite made up of plastic. I was imagining about flying that kite myself. Suddenly, I heared my teacher called my name loudly, asking me a question. Without giving much thought, I answered as if startled “Ma’am, kite”. And everyone just bursted in laughter. Even my teacher, although a bit furious with me not listening, was laughing at me. It was embarrassing. But I guess at that time I didn’t feel it was a big deal. I’m most often a listener and always tried to excel at school. There was just that one time that I drifted away from my reality during a class discussion

I was taught how difficult life is  without education. That’s one thing my mother always put in our minds. She was not able to go to college herself. That is why she is always supporting our education even at times when we have nothing to eat for lunch or money for fare. Good thing my school was about 45 minutes walk from home

Thinking about what else are interesting to recall, I remember my first crush ( I guess you know this my dear hope you don’t mind me sharing here, hehe). She was the class valedictorian while I was like sixth in the class or so. She was always quick to learn, smart, witty and always had something to say. Maybe that’s why it didn’t last long, haha. Soon I learned she liked another boy, a new boy who transferred to our school for the last two years in elementary. He was actually my childhood neighbor. He was big, healthy and had a fair complexion. I on the other hand was thin, almost malnourished and dark due to the daily home-school-home walk. Oh well, girls always seem to pick those whom they see can protect them. Me, I was the one who needs protection, haha!

Well, that was part of my childhood. I guess I can share more on my future posts Writing this today makes me laugh, smile and even teary-eyed It’s therapeutic. I know looking forward to the future is something that everyone should do. But then I guess, it won’t hurt that much to take a look at the road behind you and how it has been up to this day. It makes one more appreciative of what they have today.

These patches of memories I’m sharing with you were once the “today” of the past. Now, they are the “distant pasts” of my life. If I imagine my life as a line, those were just dots of the whole journey that I am treading even up to this day…

P. S. Love you switee.. miss you

Well, I was just occupying my self lately. Okay, I got too much of pre-occupation I was very tired of the two weeks that was. Well, that’s work. Although, actually, that was not technically my job description but it’s part of the total job as far as I am concerned.

This evening, I went to the park to sit awhile. I was listening to my music when I suddenly found myself so comfortable at the metal bench. I then doze to sleep and had moments of napping.

It was relaxing. Life was just so simple in those moments. Life is such a sweet thing for each to experience. I take time to imagine how I sit in that bench with my switee. I miss her dearly and each time I go to parks like that, I never fail to remember how we could spend hours just talking and laughing and teasing each other in those metal benches.

I love her And moments like this makes me look forward all the more - look forward to the time when we will be together again for the rest of our lives. I want to stargaze with her. I want to laugh with her. I want to let time pass with her

Love is such a surprise in one’s life. Love is as well the best thing that happened in mine…

Love you switee!

The song takes me to a place where I hope I could get away to with my sweet one… a secluded island  of white sand and tropical rainforest on the side. Pretty much like the island in “The Beach”. I know one somewhere in Davao Oriental where my Mom and Dad visited few decades back. I hope I get to see it someday.

Well, that’s how my mind goes especially when I’m soaked at work and I just want to release off the tension. I guess I’ll find a way to grab these youtube videos again and make an mp3 out of it.

In a few days, I’ll be in Cebu and Bohol and hopefully I get to have the relaxation I have been looking for. Looking forward as the days tick away. Can’t wait to click my camera again

This morning, after getting a haircut. I decided to pay the wet market a visit. I was a bit surprise how plenty the options are. I get to buy chicken and fish at cheaper prices. I also get to buy fresh veggies which a plus. Maybe I’ll go their soon when the supplies run out.

The weekend was quite good. My week has been crazy… I had deadlines, a three-day training, an presentation to practice and organize, etc… Well, that’s work for me. I guess when you are running in momentum, you don’t feel tired yet. Only when everything is clear and done that you begin to feel the exhaustion. Yeah.. that’s how things work around here

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I have to wake-up early tomorrow. I have to go to the gym since I missed my schedule due to the tight week that I had. Gotta go. Post here soon

Well, I guess I’m on those days. It’s weird though how one day, you seem to take hold the things in your life and lose it all the next day. Sometimes, theres just too much on your plate.

I am not sure yet what to do. I guess I just need to rest. Have to sleep now.

Hmm.. not yet.. Just thinking, I might just miss her… still. After 2 months or so, I tried to keep myself busy with work, with the usual day-to-day activities. I don’t know. Probably a big part of me is missing.

I know we’ll be together again soon.

For now, let me miss her…

My birthday is weird. Throughout the day, I just wanted to be alone. There is that side of me again wanting to escape - from the daily tasks, worries, from the daily grind. Haaay buhay!

I posted a status message in Facebook and a friend of mine commented “wala man gud si may”. Well, that might be the reason. Simply said, I am sad. And I’m missing her so much. I just wasn’t able to handle my emotions that I bursted in fury during our conversation. Sorry my dear. I know you deserve more than that. I hope you can forgive me

I remember about two years ago, my girlfriend surprised me early in the morning. I was oddly irritated about everybody around. It was really weird. I guess I’m not really used to celebrating birthdays. We never celebrate. Well, I could remember a few instances when we had celebrations when I was a kid. That’s really fine with me too.

Right now, I’m sitting in this plastic table in my apartment. The night has set in. I could hear the boiling water at my back. The fan is blowing, seemingly too tired of doing so. I’m playing some instrumental music in my Ipod and a speaker. Really sweet.. and sad as well..

I wish I could go back to the time when i had few concerns about life. Well, life is never a fairy tale. That’s why fairy tales are written to complement reality.

I know now how sad I am. And it’s either I sulk here until the weekend passes, only to wake up to work again.. Or, I could do something productive and relaxing. Like watercolor painting perhaps? I have been itching to hold a paintbrush again. After about three to four years, I will paint again.

Yes, that’s it. Things really do happen in certain times - in their time.

Well, this is just a time in my life. Happy 24th birthday to me

My officemates gave me this last night. Thanks guys :)

Missing you my dear, always…

I was about to begin writing this one when, before I could add more words, the plane went open for boarding. I was at the airport, waiting for my plane to get ready. I was actually thinking of starting a write up on that silent, solemn and even lonely feeling in airports. Well, I guess it’s a mix of emotions. It is where people meet in delight and part in sadness. There are two emotions I can associate with the bustle of an airport - excitement and sadness. To those who work there, there’s probably nothing different about it. It simply is a structure where people board and unboard an aircraft. For me, there is so much more than that.

As I was riding the plane, the last few days of my vacation in Davao were flashing back. Families are always full of fun, laughters, pains and tears. It was a mix of that when I went back. Still, it was wonderful, overall.

Let me end this post now. Life can’t wait for me here in Manila…