It’s funny what happens when you spend too much time alone - you get to ask a lot of questions about yourself and your life. I have always wondered and this evening, I did again, why I have issues with having a job. It’s not really about a specific job like the one I have right now but more of… why do we need to work.

I might sound stupid about this. Maybe I am. But please pardon me. This is something I did not grow up with - having the right attitude towards work.

When I arrived at the apartment, I had a little time resting alone in my room, half naked with the lights turned off. I was resting my mind when I fell asleep for awhile. It was more of a nap actually. When I woke up, I decided to get some dinner. I bought some around the corner and treated myself with a movie entitled “Pursuit of Happyness” by Will Smith. Yes, the title is misspelled but try to watch the movie and you’ll understand why.

Well, expectedly (as I presume you are guessing as well) the movie gave me insights to my question.

You see, all the while I thought I was looking for real happiness in my work. I was wrong. I realized it was not true happiness I was searching for but immediate gratification - gratification with having fun at work, gratification with finding people to listen to your rants, gratification with things even outside work. I wasn’t looking for it at the wrong place. I was looking for the wrong thing at my work.

I realized that true happiness isn’t something you feel yourself. True happiness is finding someone else find happiness because of you. That kind of happiness is what drives you to overlook your own emotions, your own concerns, your own issues. Thinking about someone else outside yourself gets you going even if you don’t feel fine. Seeing people you love most being happy makes you happier than they themselves are. It’s the key to satisfaction. It is the key to finding real happiness. It drives you like the gasoline in a car. You have the engine. You just got to let it run with other people’s happiness as the fuel.

Looking into myself at the moment, there has been a few “givens” that I believe are factors to why I feel such. One is, I am the youngest in the family and I grew up not minding any younger sibling but myself. My immediate satisfaction is the driving force. Second thing, I grew up in a family where a job is done not because it is self-rewarding but because there is a consequence for not doing the job right. I grew up doing household chores out of fear and not out of love. I don’t regret this nor do I blame my parents for it. I believe things happen for a purpose and, as one good and knowledgeable colleague told me during my latest business trip, there is a time for everything. And I believe this is the time for me to learn that. I know learning it is more than just realizing it, but at least it is a start.

Saying such, I realize day by day the purpose why I got this job. Well, for one, all I wanted a few months back was actually finding a job where I could practice my course and at the same time work on something related to information technology. Next to that, I desired for a job that gets me to save for my future when I decide to settle, get married and start my own family. That dream job is basically my job right now. And, not to brag, I admittedly am in one of the best multinational companies in the world.

I just realize how much I despise the gifts I have been receiving just because I do not get immediate gratification with things I face. The movie I watched awhile ago made me realize that. I know I still have a lot to do to get a regular status for the job and often times, I just think in advance that in case I don’t get the job, I could just go back to my home town and do stuff for a living on my own. I don’t mean to degrade what I have back at home but then I realized that often times, whenever I think of such, I am just actually giving myself an excuse not to do my best with what I have right now. I mean, one knows deep inside when one gives his best to something or not. This job is a gift and God wants me to be a good steward for it. If, in the best of my knowledge, I know that I have given my best to it but still not get a regular status for the job, then I would know that the training period was enough for me to learn the stuff I need to know on this experience.

But, until then, I must patiently and consistently seek true “happyness” at work or with my loved ones. Only then will I find fulfilment and do my best in whatever I do.

As a figure of speech, here is my take: The mist is getting thinner and the road is getting clearer. Your clothes may get damp often, your feet may get tired with walking and your pain may bring tears to your eyes along the way. But then, finding out that the people you carry in your heart remain rested, joyful and happy, then the pain goes away with their laughter.

Whatever you do, don’t forget to cherish each moment. Laugh a lot. Love. Live. After all, we only get it once.

I’m staying late tonight. I have a few international calls from my team across the globe. That’s what you get from a team of across timelines. Oh well.

A few hours ago, the rain was heavy outside. Working at a high rise building lets you hear thunder in threatening volume. The rain has now subsided. As for me, I’m sitting on this half-lit room waiting for my calls. I can see the city lights from here. Street lamps mark the way of the avenue just beside the building. Vehicles were lining up, most are probably heading home. I look at the evening sky and I guess it’s pretty much what it is - just another night in the big city. Where the sun sets and rises in the morning. Tomorrow, it will just be another day.

Across the office building is a hotel rising high. Some rooms are lit, fascinatingly displaying what transpires on those rooms. Honeymooners, travellers, or families, each with their lives spent on one of those hotel rooms. It amazes me how life goes on from corner to corner.

There may be times that one desires for the world to simply stop, to pause for awhile. What if that happens tomorrow. One wakes up to a world where nobody is there, where you still have cars on the streets, buildings lit up from last night’s use and where restaurants and bars still with their blinking lights. What if one morning, one wakes up to find out that all he has done for a lifetime are no longer worth a thing. The world becomes his, yet owns it alone, with no one else left in the world but himself. Will those things that used to be so valuable still be what they were? One can then have the finest cars and the most expensive jewelleries. One can travel the world and see the most wonderful places on earth with no one to stop him or her. Could those things by then still be as precious as what they are right now?

I guess you know the answer.

Moments like these are moments that bring me to deeper thoughts, things that one usually ignores at the height of the day when one is busy working or doing things in order to survive. A friend of mine told me that sometimes, we take these things as an excuse from doing the things that we need to do like work and earn money. That may be true to some extent but then, one could also not deny the fact that life is but a fleeting moment and that it is never impossible that in an instant, one’s death could come which makes all of these things that are necessities for our survival become worthless.

I guess the thing for this post is that, there are two timelines for our conscious mind - one is the immediate timeline that reminds us to work for food and for our daily survival. The other is the eternal timeline, the awareness that , when we die, life continues for others who are still living and what happens to us by then is quite unknown to us. These two timelines, though seemingly contradicting each other are actually working hand-in-hand. It reminds us that while we need to consider our immediate needs today, we must realize that there is another span of time that lasts long after we are gone. It challenges us to search for realities of that eternal timeline, a timeline that answers our questions about the meaning of our very existence.

This world is where the impossible is a possibility in itself. This is the place where boundaries are but the gates to eternity. It bends space and time. It stands on top of nothing but the very thought of reality.. for where there is no reality, there is no unreality.

Sometimes time flies so fast, too fast that time cannot wait for itself. It keeps ticking, keeps sweeping, keeps moving. But in this world of unreal, time is the very reason for this world to stop. In this world, time is not a reality, for time encapsulates an event in a period where there is a beginning and an end. This world does not know beginning, nor does it realize the end. It is just there, standing still while constantly moving.

You may think this world is the opposite of reality. Yet, what is real? Reality is relative. In this world, nothing is relative. Everything is what it is, no ending nor beginning. Reality in itself has no opposite. Reality is what it is - reality.

In this world of mine, imagination is not the limit. Does it have an image of a nation? I doubt. It is beyond any nation and any image you can imagine. Perhaps, relative to what you think is real, this world is unreal. But then again, take out the relativity in what you believe is real and you have something you know nothing about.

Life is never real in its true sense. For life is simply the reality that we think we are in. Reality is an illusion of the mind. What lies out there is way way much bigger than we could ever imagine. What we grasp is but a spec on what is out there. What is out there? Who knows? I don’t.

Man has always tried to grasp knowledge of the reality he is in. But, the more he seeks wisdom, the more he realizes how useless he knows. He creates things that destroys himself. Man did not came first, the world did. Man was never in the position to change the world, or the world as others see it for that matter.

So much seems defined. Yet the more things are defined by man, the more things become unknown.

What is real to us is what we can grasp. What we cannot grasp is not real.

This is where faith comes in. This is where faith makes sense of everything else unknown to Man. Faith does not only define what is real, it also puts a place for the unknown, the what could be, the what if. It is only in faith that Man finds his purpose in a world of pointlessness.

Well, it was a great experience. And when I say great, I mean overwhelming. It was quite too much for me honestly - my first international flight, my first business trip, my first time to work with people from across countries and cultures, and yes, first time to meet my boss, my boss’ boss.. and my boss’ boss’ boss! Whew!

Please don’t get me wrong. My bosses are great people, fairly in touch with their lighter side. It’s just that, most of the things I’m dealing with everyday are pretty much new to me too - the people I meet on the streets, the people I cross the streets with, the people living across my apartment’s window are new to me. I was still on my adjustment stage when I flew for Singapore. That probably caused the balloon to bloat. Good thing it did not pop - yet..

One good thing with the trip though, is it made Makati much more of a home to me. It made me appreciate the boundaries of my own country. Singapore was beautiful, way more beautiful than any place I’ve ever been. Yet, I still could say, there is no place like home.

After the Singapore trip, I flew back and went straight to my apartment. What greeted me was darkness. My uncle was in a night shift again so nobody’s home. No welcomes and no “how was the trip” thing when I arrived. Just the silent, small apartment I began renting about a month ago.

The after the Singapore trip, my boss came to our office here in Makati to on-board me to my specific tasks. The whole week wasn’t a torture but undeniably critical for me. I mean, I need to get as much information in a little amount of time. After that, only remote communication for queries. It was interestingly challenging.

Then, last night, I went out with two old buddies of mine from college. We were in a choir together and it was fun being with old friends you are comfortable enough to burst out in laughter.

I was actually telling them how things are going with my new life here. One good point that my friend told me was that I am probably facing quarter life crisis - my transition from pre-adulthood to full adulthood. I felt it was very right. I mean, I realized when he raised that point that I am actually in denial of the things that are coming my way. He pointed out how in high school or college that our goals are actually laid down on us - do your assignments and answer your exams well to get high grades so that you’ll pass the semester. When you pass the semester, enroll and do so all over again for the incoming semester until you graduate. That was it back in school.

But now, everything is laid down before you - you do the choosing. The choices you make today will affect what happens to you in the future. Making those life-changing choices are a big thing, those which used to be only for the big guys. Now, I am actually getting into that stage, making choices that shape my life. Sometimes, I just want to get away from those decision making and want to live my life free and careless.

It’s difficult when what you need to do is different from what you want to do. It’s not about the job I have. It’s about the life I have now. You see, I want to always be in a comfortable situation (who doesn’t want to be, right?). In my case, that means living back in my parents’ house and doing my stuff with my computer, designing websites and playing computer games. But then, that is not what I need to do. I need to work well for a successful career in order for my future plans to come true. I want to have a family of my own soon, provide for them well with the best that I can. On the other hand, the inner child in me doesn’t want to let go of the comforts of my home and the fun and laughter of good old childhood days.

Maybe this is what Antoine de Exupery was talking about in his book. In order for a boy to be a man, he has to let go of his childish ways. Growing up is indeed difficult, and with it is learning that you bring for a lifetime.

Many times, I sit in silence, sorting out things in my mind, the things that I see, hear and feel. Just this evening, I went to have shower. One hand was reaching for the soap while the other turns the shower knob. The water was flowing down my chest. The warmth the humid air brings was gone for some time. I closed my eyes and it was a moment of bliss. Getting naked is refreshing. It frees you from clothes that symbolizes what you are on the outside world. When you bare yourself of it, all that is left is the real you, little, fragile and afraid. The real you is that little boy or girl that has worn the body of a grown-up to be able to live the life that the society wants him or her to live.

Life is fun. But life is not all fun. Life is also tears and pain. Life is a combination of the pleasant and the unpleasant. It is then that we make a choice to see what is beautiful and love-worth. It is in our brokenness that life’s small details become precious.

A few hours back, I was waiting for the pick-up car at my apartment. The rain poured heavily and made me worry a bit the trip. I went outside the gate to check if the driver found my place. Around the corner went a white rent-a-car. It saw me so it went straight to where I was standing. I loaded my stuff and off I go to the airport.

When I arrived, I was finding my way through it. It was a different international airport, an old one actually where most of the Asian airlines are. I went straight to the queue where many are apparently checking-in early. I gathered up all the documents needed. When my time came, I prompted the airline lady to put “fragile” label on my suitcase. An officemate asked me to bring with me some of their materials for the meeting that we are going to have in Singapore. It was light really but quite bulky.

Good thing my eldest sister gave me tips on boarding for Singapore. She lives in Australia so she frequently goes to Singapore each time she goes home from a trip to the Philippines.

After checking in, I went straight to pay the terminal fee and then to the immigration. There were several windows open. I noticed that some queues are longer than the others. Apparently, people know that female immigration agents entertain better than males as their queue are longer. Sadly for me though, as this is my first international flight, I didn’t know that. I went to line up a short queue. Later, I learned the reason why. The agent was strict (and a snobb). He raised his voice at me when I wasn’t able to give him all the documents all at once. I was about to react a bit but then decided to let it go. I might not get approved, hehe. Also, I need to be cleared with my scholarship restrictions. It really helps to be patient most of the time. It saves you time for argument, your temper and your poise. People who don’t treat you well don’t deserve your attention.

At last, all was well and here I am, waiting for boarding. I am a bit excited really. Much of this trip was just a dream a few months back. I never imagined I get the chance to see another country with my scholarship holding me back. Yet, here I am, waiting for my flight.

A few minutes passed and people came to fill in the previously empty seats. White, black, brown people gathered together, waiting for their plane to arrive. Strangely, people filled other empty seats with their bags so people who came late had to seats on either their sturdy luggage or on the floor. The white ones don’t mind where they seat as long as they are comfortable. The brown ones however remain standing as sitting on the floor is not common to them. It looks too informal probably, not quite sure. It’s just that sitting on the floor is not a custom to brown, especially Filipinos like me.

Four minutes before boarding and everyone seemed occupied with either, reading, listening to the music or staring at other people. I however had the liberty to write details about their behaviours. There might be someone else in the crowd doing the same, I don’t know. They might be having the same fun as I have.

Oh, before I forget, nail biting is also one of the most common things people do while waiting for their plane. Well, I guess anxiety brings them to bite their irresistible nails. I hope they cleaned it well before hand.

I remember a few months back I went wishing to see Europe and other countries. Though this flight is just within Asia, at least it’s a start.

Singapore, here I come!

Though much of the trip will be work, still it’s fun enough to let you travel around. I mean, for me, it’s a big thing. You see, I have this government scholarship in college that’s keeping me within the bounds of my country. The government office however allows business trips like this as they see it necessary for scholars to often go out for trainings. The limitations are actually the way we scholars pay the government – to work for the country.

Sweat runs down my chest as I write. The rains have probably left the atmosphere with humid air. Or, it could be that my apartment isn’t just well ventilated. Music is playing from my laptop, filling the ground floor with fun music. Well, it’s the only noise I can create as I don’t have a television yet. I’m not planning to buy one soon though. I hope the neighbours don’t mind too.

Last night, I was packing my things up for the week’s stay. I slept late but all fun to do. My shoulders are a little tense though, probably because of cold air last evening. I hope I get to see the best of Singapore. I have always wanted to buy my own DSLR camera. When this Singapore trip was approved, I finally decided to buy one. I got mine last weekend and I was thrilled. I am still actually as the trip is still to be. I got my girlfriend all envious about it. Haha. She have been thinking of getting one too. If her Canada job pushes through, for sure she’ll get one for the trip.

Not much to do but idle around and wait for the car to pick me up at my place by 3pm. Hope I get to post with more sense and thrill next, time..

As for me, the usual walk home. As you know, I have just started in this new job. For several days, I went on finding the best route for me to walk to and from the office. Now, I’m taking this route that’s probably less stressful than the others. The path is quite walker-friendly. Trees shade most of the road. Families live nearby in cozy, mid-rise apartments.

In the morning there is little rush. Little does the outskirts know the tension main roads face each day. Main roads marred by the everyday passage of people and vehicles, witnesses of happy parades and terrible emergencies, seem too numb to care for anything. This other road I take does otherwise. It welcomes every morning with fresh air and sunrise. The streets may not be that clean but at least people seem to tarry when treading it. People wash their cars on the road like there’s no work, kids laugh while going to school, old men sit in the idle morning, talking about their lifetime’s exploits. Yes, roads such as this exist in the big city. Just as I thought it impossible, there seem to be hope to find something worth spending time here.

A few minutes of walking and that’s it. As I opened my short, wooden gate in my little rented apartment, light wasn’t there – literally. Apparently, my uncle hasn’t gone home yet.

To tell you, I feel sad every time I go home like this. Nothing compares to going home where people are – where evening meals are cooked from your own kitchen, where TV Patrol fills the atmosphere and people eager to know the latest news, where someone who cares for you asks you how your day has been.

If there is one thing I realize right now, that is – it is not really the luxury of life that makes life worth living. It is the people you spend time with that makes it fun and exciting and filled with love. You may love a diamond but it could never love you back. You may hate your mom or dad at one moment but as sure as the sun rises, so is there love for you.

Just as the road I take everyday, so can be my attitude towards life I believe. Amidst the chaos one’s heart may feel often times is the choice to take another route – the route to peace of mind. It’s a matter of perspective. I’m not saying it’s easy. But if ever I learned how to get there often, for sure it will be all worth while.

Before I end this, let me leave you with a poem:

Life is but a road to take,

Crossroads if you please.

Many take the road most travelled,

Much few take the least.

To choose is not an easy task,

To take it will be worse.

But then, life never stops for you,

It always takes its course.

So now, with what you have in hand,

You toil to make the best.

It’s there that life ‘comes meaningful,

When love and laughter rest

A few weeks back, I received a call from a company which is a dream for many in my league. I have been offered a job. It was overwhelming. I believe it was something given not merely by man but by some divine providence. The job has been going on in my mind for months, since I left my last job to do what I love the most – creating my own digital works of art. I desired to have a job that merges what my academic orientation was with my passion. The job was the very thing I prayed for.

When I broke the news to my parents, they were happy too. Although I know, at the back of their minds, they were sad – for the last chick was about to leave the nest and go into the forest to make its own living and try to survive. I can read my mother’s prayers in her eyes each time I look at her. It has also been a year that I was out of work so I had a great deal of time to be with my old folks.

In about a year I was with them, I learned so much more than all my learning at school combined. I saw how they laughed. I saw how they cry. I saw how strong they were, and I saw how weak they can get. Their age brought with them wisdom never found in anything so far in my life. They try their best to ready their children but they could only do so much.

My parents are not perfect. In fact, they are far from that. My mom had her share of failures and mistakes. My dad had a problem with loneliness and a lot of things more. For all those years we were with him, he was always silent. And now, that everyone has flown out of the house to build their own lives, it was too late for him to realize how absent emotionally he was in the lives of his children. They were never perfect. But they were the best I could ever wish for.

I saw their battle with age. I often find my mom mixing a hair-dye powder in a cup of warm water. Later on, they would be busy dyeing each other’s hair - much more of a bonding time.

My dad was often in rage in dealing with memory loss. He was ill-tempered and impatient. He kept pushing that he has this Alzheimer’s disease. All the doctors think otherwise. So do I.

It came to a point that my dad’s problems affected his work. He will be retiring in about eight months as of this writing. He is in a retiring age since he started to work only later in his life. He was becoming a nuisance in the office. My mom had a call from his supervisor so I went to accompany her. The problem was resolved with my mom promising to take care of my dad so as not to let him get bored during office hours. She kept trying to see my dad in the office during lunch just so he would have someone to talk to.

It was there that I saw my mom’s strength. She has been carrying this family so much over the years, ever since we were kids. She was strong. Even until now that she needs someone to be strong for her.

It broke my heart to leave them at home. But then again, I am my own self. I should live a life of my own. I don’t take away the possibility of living again in my parents’ house someday. But for now, I have to live my life. A window has been opened and the sun seems shining bright outside.

Where I came from, there were birds and a lot of it chirping when you wake up. My room had a little sun roof, just enough to warm me up as the sun rises. My dad is an agriculturist and we have lots of greens in the front and side lawns. We have orchids of red, purple, yellow and white among many others. Fruit and hardwood trees were growing by the day. The soft morning breeze welcomes you with sweetness.

Where I am now, the sound of cars and busy streets wake you. The children rushing early to school are the sight. Skyscrapers graze the skies as the night turns to day. The big city never sleeps. It never pauses for breeze nor does it keep silent for a minute or two to hear the birds sing. It goes on like forever.

Slowly, things start to sink in, falling into place as I said. Many say you don’t get everything you want. True enough. The very reason why we have priorities – we decide depending on the most important things to us. Slowly and unknowingly at times, we are shaped by our priorities. We become what we think we are.

I have a few good reasons why I decided to grab this job that brought with it the new life. First, I want to save for a family I hope to have someday or in the near future. I hope to prepare well to be able to provide well for them. Another reason is, if in case I don’t stay too long on this job, at least I get to have their name in my resume. Well, practically speaking, their name in my records would like be a shining badge in my chest.

For now, the night is getting old and a new day is waiting for me a few ticks in the clock from now. The air is getting cooler and the bed lies softly as the view drowses me well. The battle is about to unfold. Wish me luck.

Throughout the morning, I often caught myself smiling alone. I was actually filling my mind with thoughts. Probably making things a little less unfamiliar. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately - about living alone in this new place. Well, I guess much of this thinking will soon be replaced by thoughts about my work and much of my energy will probably be spent for learning and making it up on the new job. Oh well, at least I get to make the most of my stay here. Nothing to do but to get my hands dirty with office work.

I hope I get to find new real friends around here. It’s already a blessing to have my girlfriend and some other close friends already close by. Although most of them are a few hours of traffic away, at least they are here. It’s really good to have a support network when living alone. I understand now the saying “No Man is an Island”.

Blogging is really a relief. The problem though is that I have to blog in this internet cafe in the corner. I really hope to have my own mobile connection just so I could blog from anywhere I am. Kids are very noisy in this cafe. Hehe. Quite fun to hear though. I remember the time when I play Defence of the Ancients with some classmates back in college. It was a few hours of sheer fun, peer play, strategy and success.

Anyway, I guess I have to be heading home by now. I still have to prepare for tomorrow. Hope to drop by again soon. Ciao!

Having a lot of concerns and some other urgent and more important things to think about makes you decide to do so. Sometimes, all you want to do after a stressful day of public commuting, walking a lot, going to different high-rise buildings and public commuting once again is get home quick, play your favorite music, have a hearty dinner and have a good night sleep. Because tomorrow, everything is back to what it was the day before.

When you are in that situation, I think you will really learn to let go of arguments with taxi drivers, over-priced products, required monetary tips, nosy landladies, and many other stuff you’d typically call a day-to-day irritation. Of course, this does not include life-threatening situations and highly inexcusable offenses.

Living this new life pushes you to filter out things to react about and things to let go. Life is so beautiful to be marred simply by people who may or may not irritate you intentionally. I realized that the more you react to things that do not deserve a reaction, the more you waste your energy on things not relevant to you. The laws of physics state that every action requires a certain amount of energy which is changed from one form to another in the process. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. If I translate this, it would be that a certain action caused a person outside of you to spend some amount of energy which, intentionally or not, irritated you. When you let it irritate you, you tend to spend more energy to compensate for the insult.

I guess a good practice is to create a certain limit as to which a certain irritant can affect you - a buffer layer around you if I may call it. This buffer layer allows you to absorb the tolerable and the intolerable. The definition of such would then depends from person to person.

Well, so much for that analogy which seemed to have just complicated my point. The bottom of it is this: not sweating the small stuff may actually be the best thing to do when facing a lot of stress. It creates a preprogrammed list of things to spend and not to spend your energy on. It saves one time and energy which you might as well spend in doing things that you like - sports or hobby, whatever pleases you. I think this can really do a great part if you want to have a good stress management system. Pretty fun! Take the challenge.