I said I need to go somewhere
I need to take the journey.
You asked me if I really need to.
I said I do.

It wasn’t easy for me to tell you that
But I felt that I have to.
You might find it hard to believe but
I need to do it because I love you.

As I open the door, you asked me once again
Do I really have to go – I guess so
Looks like it.
I don’t know.

I might make you cry
for days while I’m away
But I was thinking it would save you
from a lifetime of crying deep inside

Right now, I need to find the answers
To a question I have always avoided
Will it will forever be the same?
Will i choose you – no matter what?

Will I choose you – even if life is at its worse
Will I choose you – even if home is broken
Will I choose you – even if the sun has set and the night has come
Will I choose you – no matter what

Will it really not matter if life is mostly down
Will love really keep us alive
Will your heart go on for me even if mine has turned cold
Will I choose you – no matter what

Will watercolors work to paint grey skies with rainbows
Will flowers really bloom in the coldest winters
Will love find a way to kiss away every tear
Will I choose you – no matter what

Before I went off, you asked me
“When you reach the cross roads
And you see the sun shining on the other side
What road will you take?

Will I look back and see if the door is still open
Or will I keep my face straight and move ahead
Will I shed a tear or will I smile with delight
Will I choose you still – no matter what

I know for sure the journey’s cold
The road is damp and crooked
There are dangers and steep curves
No wonder it’s a road less travelled

Looking forward, when the days come
I will find the answers I’m looking for
I don’t know if the road home is still the same
I don’t know if the door is still open

When the day comes and you finally walk down the isle
With all the smiles in the world for you
Will it be me waiting by the altar?
Or will I be standing by the door wishing it was me holding you?

I don’t know how to end this note
Much more how to ease your pain
Let me stop it right here and ask
Will I choose you – no matter what?

Last Saturday, me and my housemates had the chance to go road tripping to La Union, one of the country’s surf spot I have been keenly interested about surfing and it was my second time to go and try the waves. As a plus, we had my house mate’s new xtrail road-tested.

So we packed our bags and head out to the north. We arrived at about 3am Sunday. At least we had the chance to take some sleep. At about lunch, we got the keys to our room so most of us had better sleep. For me, I spent some time sitting on one of the beach huts. The wind was cool and the sun was up. It was priceless…

It was a moment I have been waiting for for weeks now. I have been soaked [paused: creating a new media player play list for night mood] with work lately and this break is just what I need I actually invited two of my housemates to try out surfing. Apparently, they don’t like it as much as I do. Well, at least they had the experience As for me, this is just the beginning…

This time, I had more long rides. One session I had was all about how to survive basic surfing without the trainer. It was tough, balancing above the board, waiting for your wave and rotating quickly as you change from sitting to lying position, paddling furiously until the waves accelerates your board. Whew, it was challenging, not to mention tiring. I felt my shoulder and arms swell from the physically-demanding sport. But it was all worth it. Nothing beats taking the ride as the wave pushes your board forward. The wind and water is all over. If all goes well, you’re on top of the board, balancing between going forward and staying back.

So far, I realized that surfing is all about going with the flow. I learned to respect the waves. I learned to respect the water. I learned to go with the flow and subtly go along where your board leads you. I learned this when for several tries, my board kept going rightward. I always fall. Until my trainer told me not to control it but to let it go and simply.. ride it.

It was a life-saver. A lot of times, I find myself upset not being able to control things – my time, my tasks. There are a lost of things I simply can’t control. That’s something I need to learn in life There is only so much you can actually influence. Always begin with yourself.

So the two days went by, both fun, tiring and relaxing. The trip takes about seven hours by road, one way. So, I had plenty of time to think – think about my life, about my dreams, about almost anything.  Oddly, a lot of those moments, I felt lonely. I don’t know why but sometimes I tend to dwell on the sadder moods. Must be the hopeless romantic dreamer in me. I’m always caught up in this cloud of solitude, silent and wondering, feeling every moment of it.

As we went back, I was trying not to think about work. Work is never ending. That’s why I decided not to entertain my it. Otherwise, it forfeits my vacation. It was all worth it.

This morning was my last day of vacation. I decided to keep my work mails for tomorrow. I had time to chat with Switee, updating each other on our lives, then rested more. After a nap, I found myself preparing for a day out. I decided to watch a movie that suited my mood. Then I found “A Time-Traveler’s Wife” – my kind of movie. Well, I’m a guy who likes to watch touching movies, movies that portray life’s sadness and excitements. Love and family, it was all there.

One thing that really touches me in movies like this is the feeling of loss. I always dread the thought of losing a loved one. I have not experienced it with my family but I know it’s inevitable. I just hope I’m ready for it when it comes. I guess the reality of death simply makes us treasure our loved ones all the more. The movie had a sad ending but comforting. For me, it was great.

From the movie, I went to have badminton with my officemates which was fun. Then, I went home, prepared everything for tomorrow, cleaned up then went to write this entry.

Tomorrow is another day for work. All in all, I had a great vacation. Though right now, I feel a bit sad. I’m missing my Switee, my family, my nephews and neices. Maarteng Sushi and Ki-at na Kiko. I miss long walks with Switee, and hours of talking in the park. Oh happy days…

I know we’ll see each other soon We are where we are and all of this is for whatever God brings us for the future. Life is like surfing, most part of it is out of your control. Life is like a movie, full of love and emotions. Life is like travelling, you only enjoy it once you appreciate the view along the way.

I guess my vacation was all about it – a three day run through of life itself.

P. S. Love you my dear. Missing you so much

Anyway, work is currently heavy. I have yet to finish my project and a lot other than it are coming my way. The other week was excruciating as I was in a week-long training. This means I would have to do my work load at night throughout the training. I work right after I get home. It was very very tiring. But, that’s just how it is in the corporate world. I guess…

So throughout the month, I was longing for vacation – one that I hope could sooth me out from the pains of sleepless and stressful nights. Good thing, we recently had a long weekend. I was able to go to my office mate’s house warming and got some time to slack off. Though I feel I need more, I guess it’s better than nothing.

Next week is another long weekend so I hope I can score better in terms of relaxation and recuperation.

Well oh well oh well… (Sigh). I do know why but I always have this lonely feeling every Sunday night. Must be with the thinking that tomorrow is “back to work” day. Now wonder other people have Monday blues. Hehe. Boasting aside though, I actually feel energized every Monday. I feel I can do a lot, especially when I’m early. Maybe because I don’t have Monday blues. I have Sunday Night blues, hehe.

That’s one good thing though. I wake up ready for the week. I hope I do tomorrow morning

Another thing I’d like to share before I go. I have been practicing long deep breaths lately for oxygenation and relaxation. I think it really works, especially at times when you want to relax and focus. Notice how short-breath a person is when he or she is stressed? That’s because the body demands for more oxygen due to increased blood flow. Just something I learned from a respected office mate of mine. (Thanks Gunjan, you’re a life saver )

I guess that’s it for now. Need to hit the sack. Good night everyone

My mind is confused and my heart is heavy. Probably because of thoughts and emotions intertwined in complexity and turmoil. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to stop.

I remember someone saying that you can describe LIFE in three words. It goes on. True enough, it does. Just like in a race, when one falls, the others go on and continue. At times when you feel you hit rock bottom, the world doesn’t stop to morn with you, to be sad with you, to simply listen to you. Things keep on moving. People keep on living. That’s just how things are in this world of the living.

I would say that right now, I’m once again in a crossroad. Faced with a choice of changing my world or changing my self. There are times in one’s life that you tend to be too comfortable of what you are and what you have that you don’t accept change. You resist change. I guess that’s where I am. I am stuck in this small, little comfortable air bubble that I call my reality and simply ignores the harsh realities that I should be dealing with outside.

Whenever you are outside your comfort zone, you are vulnerable. And basically, I don’t want to feel such. To simply put it, I’m not much of a risk taker. I play safe. And I guess that’s where trouble begins. Whenever trouble boils, I tend to shield myself by going inside my bubble, my mental place of safety. I stay there and wait until the coast is clear. I find out later on that the world has passed by me.

Resistance to change is resistance to growth. I know I’m preaching ironically. But saying it boldly is something to start with. I hate change probably because I hate to grow. Why do I hate to grow? Because it’s painful. Who wants pain right? But should one stop growing just because it’s painful?

It’s often difficult to bring yourself to conclusion. As a person, we usually solicit advice from others who know us and see us in a different light. Right now, I’m writing “out loud” my thoughts. This way, I get to document it. Read it. And make it a reality. As writing they say is therapeutic, it is as well a means to personal realization and resolution. I hope to reach that stage, that part where happy endings are simply the beginnings.

I remember one time I took this “How Geek are You” test in facebook. The result made me smirk. It said I am not really a geek but just a dreamer caught in my little own world. It was fun. But I felt it was true as well. It brought about a silent reality in me, a confirming thought I tried to avoid.

So I guess this is where I am right now. A lot must be done, inside and out. I guess what you feel inside manifests outside, in your actions, your words. Cleaning the outside is but a useless effort if one does not begin within. Once again, I’m preaching ironically here. But I guess that’s just how I talk to myself.

Life is hard and avoiding it makes it much worse. One just have to learn to live with the fact that things just don’t always go our way. Quoting one book, “The world does not owe us a living. In fact, it does not owe us anything. It was here first”. Very true.

I guess I just have to learn to swallow what I find difficult to swallow. That’s just how it is – all in the world of the living.

For you my dear…

On your birthday

Life itself has seemed to stop for the moment.

Well, at least for the life in the big city.

The holidays came and everyone are set to rest.

I sit by the sea, watching as each wave rush to the shore.

The wind is cool.

The sun is high.

People began crowding by the shallows.

I was looking for my piece of shore.

I was looking for some peace of mind.

I was looking for silence, solitude.

I was looking for that time when I watch the sea with you.

Then, I got a call.

It was you on the other line.

You were freezing in the cold of melting snow.

Your hands were purple and freezing.

While I keep my self from roasting, you were keeping yourself from cold.

While I wear the thinnest clothes, you were wearing the thickest jackets.

While I walk the hot sand, you walk the knee-high snow.

Our lives have simply gone their own paths.

I guess that’s just how it is,

When lovers live in different worlds.

It’s simply fascinating when love knows no weather.

When love knows no distance.

When love knows no time.

Just as a movie is made out of thousands of pictures breezing through the screen,

So are our lives made up of thousands of moments,

Each made to play a part of the whole.

Though I understand how we hope to live our lives in the future,

I could not deny that sadness is inevitable.

Moments intertwined in the whole scheme of things.

Moments caught in time.

Moments full of color and dull.

These and a whole lot more fill our present lives.

Lives of lovers living in different worlds.

As I set my eyes to sleep tonight,

Your day has just began.

I close my lights as your sun plays peek-a-boo by your window.

The world has not gone mad.

It’s just how things work when lovers live in different worlds.

I seek for you each moment

Though our moments do not meet.

I see your face in daylight

While I hope you dream of me at that time.

I wake to see the beauty of life

And you sleep to find rest.

When your sky is full of stars,

My sky is clear and blue.

It is just so wonderful though,

That no matter how opposite and distant

Our worlds have gone for now,

Love does create a bridge that brings itself across our worlds.

I guess that’s just how it is

When lovers live in different worlds.

p. s. have a safe trip my dear. take care always. loving you…

I planned to go to the gym and do a bit of buying but opted not to. I decided to stay and tinker a bit with the new toy. After a few game hours, I went to clean the kitchen and fixed myself something to eat.

The day was really fine. By dinner time, I decided to watch the Benjamin Button movie. I planned to watch this in big screen before but didn’t have the time. The movie was, for me, calm and beautiful. It made me realize how I see my life.

Often times, or most of the time, we deal with everyday situations – problems with your roommates, your neighbors, issues at work. Through all this, many times we forget how what we are doing right now becomes a “yesterday” tomorrow… which soon becomes a few months ago a few months from.. and then simply becomes a distant past in the distant future.

With this thought, I went recalling my childhood. I went nostalgic and tried to feel what it was to be five or seven years old. Back then, you always wonder why there are a lot of things you can’t do that adults can’t. Being the youngest of seven siblings, I see and feel this a lot. I recalled how I behave – since oftentimes my requests are refused, I tend to do things my way. I had no one to do things for me. A dog can never get a glass of water for you Although I am quite a chatty boy, I grew up thinking that I am a loner. I seldom share my thoughts to my older siblings. Oftentimes, they didn’t care. There is just so much going around in the adult world that there’s no strength and time to go into mine.

I remember how life was so difficult back then. I remember not knowing my dad until I was about 5. Back then, he was never around. But before I continue, please note that this does not mean I have something against my dad. It’s just that.. that’s the way it happened

As I continue, I grew up with my hands dirty with dust and soil. Well, I was very playful and curious so yes, I get my hands dirty because of playing as well. But other than that, I grew up being taught how to clean the house and do my part with the chores. The house then was very big (well at least for me since I was a small boy then) and the lawn was as well. There were a lot of fruit trees around (about 9). The front yard was beautiful as there was lawn grass in it.

Although I can say my childhood was fun, it was not a fairy tale. I had my share of pains and heartaches.

Imagine this, we were seven siblings, my dad is not around, and my mom does not have a steady job. It was very heavy for her. That then translates to how she handles all seven of us. She was very very, and I tell you, very strict. The last thing she wants to know is her son cutting classes after a day of looking for something to feed her family. I can write indefinitely about my mom but to sum it up, she was strict and she needs to be.

Looking back today, I am so happy to have been her son. I remember the times when she is at home, her and my youngest sister lie down in the landscaped grass, watching the stars. She teach us songs that she learned when she was a child. It was beautiful. I recall now how inspite of the difficulties she faced then, she still had the time to sing songs with us and play with us. Though for her, each day is a problem as to where will she look for money to feed us, she had always shielded us from the painful world that was around us. It was better for her to recieve insults herself than for us to be hurt with harsh words. I can talk about my problems and issues here yet, as I write at this moment, I saw how small my problems are compared to my mom’s. Thanks mom

With the difficulties, I learned to be easily contented with what I have. With little that we have, I grew up to share food with siblings, share bed, share room and share life with plenty of people. As the people in the house is enough already, I did’t have that much friends except at church. At school, I usually have few good ones. I still remember the times when we have no electricity because we can’t pay it on time. We used candles for more than a month to do our home work and evening chores. I also recall selling at school, may it be Otap (biscuit), chocolates or candies. Early on, I was taught to be self-sufficient, thrifty and contented. Having sardines for dinner was already a feast. One can of sardines must be mashed and dilluted into a bowl of noodle soup to feed all eight mouths.

A big part of my childhood was with the church I grew up with. Well, I guess that can be a whole separate entry

I was a small boy (and now a small man). Often times, I defend myself with talking. Maybe that’s how I get my talkative mouth A lot of times too, I catch myself dreaming. And I still do. I remember one time, I was in grade four. It was science class. The wind was cool and it was almost summer. I looked outside the window and I saw this out-of-school boy who was flying a kite. My eyes were caught, thinking about how high the kite was. It was a red kite made up of plastic. I was imagining about flying that kite myself. Suddenly, I heared my teacher called my name loudly, asking me a question. Without giving much thought, I answered as if startled “Ma’am, kite”. And everyone just bursted in laughter. Even my teacher, although a bit furious with me not listening, was laughing at me. It was embarrassing. But I guess at that time I didn’t feel it was a big deal. I’m most often a listener and always tried to excel at school. There was just that one time that I drifted away from my reality during a class discussion

I was taught how difficult life is  without education. That’s one thing my mother always put in our minds. She was not able to go to college herself. That is why she is always supporting our education even at times when we have nothing to eat for lunch or money for fare. Good thing my school was about 45 minutes walk from home

Thinking about what else are interesting to recall, I remember my first crush ( I guess you know this my dear hope you don’t mind me sharing here, hehe). She was the class valedictorian while I was like sixth in the class or so. She was always quick to learn, smart, witty and always had something to say. Maybe that’s why it didn’t last long, haha. Soon I learned she liked another boy, a new boy who transferred to our school for the last two years in elementary. He was actually my childhood neighbor. He was big, healthy and had a fair complexion. I on the other hand was thin, almost malnourished and dark due to the daily home-school-home walk. Oh well, girls always seem to pick those whom they see can protect them. Me, I was the one who needs protection, haha!

Well, that was part of my childhood. I guess I can share more on my future posts Writing this today makes me laugh, smile and even teary-eyed It’s therapeutic. I know looking forward to the future is something that everyone should do. But then I guess, it won’t hurt that much to take a look at the road behind you and how it has been up to this day. It makes one more appreciative of what they have today.

These patches of memories I’m sharing with you were once the “today” of the past. Now, they are the “distant pasts” of my life. If I imagine my life as a line, those were just dots of the whole journey that I am treading even up to this day…

P. S. Love you switee.. miss you

Well, I was just occupying my self lately. Okay, I got too much of pre-occupation I was very tired of the two weeks that was. Well, that’s work. Although, actually, that was not technically my job description but it’s part of the total job as far as I am concerned.

This evening, I went to the park to sit awhile. I was listening to my music when I suddenly found myself so comfortable at the metal bench. I then doze to sleep and had moments of napping.

It was relaxing. Life was just so simple in those moments. Life is such a sweet thing for each to experience. I take time to imagine how I sit in that bench with my switee. I miss her dearly and each time I go to parks like that, I never fail to remember how we could spend hours just talking and laughing and teasing each other in those metal benches.

I love her And moments like this makes me look forward all the more – look forward to the time when we will be together again for the rest of our lives. I want to stargaze with her. I want to laugh with her. I want to let time pass with her

Love is such a surprise in one’s life. Love is as well the best thing that happened in mine…

Love you switee!

The song takes me to a place where I hope I could get away to with my sweet one… a secluded island  of white sand and tropical rainforest on the side. Pretty much like the island in “The Beach”. I know one somewhere in Davao Oriental where my Mom and Dad visited few decades back. I hope I get to see it someday.

Well, that’s how my mind goes especially when I’m soaked at work and I just want to release off the tension. I guess I’ll find a way to grab these youtube videos again and make an mp3 out of it.

In a few days, I’ll be in Cebu and Bohol and hopefully I get to have the relaxation I have been looking for. Looking forward as the days tick away. Can’t wait to click my camera again

This morning, after getting a haircut. I decided to pay the wet market a visit. I was a bit surprise how plenty the options are. I get to buy chicken and fish at cheaper prices. I also get to buy fresh veggies which a plus. Maybe I’ll go their soon when the supplies run out.

The weekend was quite good. My week has been crazy… I had deadlines, a three-day training, an presentation to practice and organize, etc… Well, that’s work for me. I guess when you are running in momentum, you don’t feel tired yet. Only when everything is clear and done that you begin to feel the exhaustion. Yeah.. that’s how things work around here

Well, I guess this is enough for now. I have to wake-up early tomorrow. I have to go to the gym since I missed my schedule due to the tight week that I had. Gotta go. Post here soon

My birthday is weird. Throughout the day, I just wanted to be alone. There is that side of me again wanting to escape – from the daily tasks, worries, from the daily grind. Haaay buhay!

I posted a status message in Facebook and a friend of mine commented “wala man gud si may”. Well, that might be the reason. Simply said, I am sad. And I’m missing her so much. I just wasn’t able to handle my emotions that I bursted in fury during our conversation. Sorry my dear. I know you deserve more than that. I hope you can forgive me

I remember about two years ago, my girlfriend surprised me early in the morning. I was oddly irritated about everybody around. It was really weird. I guess I’m not really used to celebrating birthdays. We never celebrate. Well, I could remember a few instances when we had celebrations when I was a kid. That’s really fine with me too.

Right now, I’m sitting in this plastic table in my apartment. The night has set in. I could hear the boiling water at my back. The fan is blowing, seemingly too tired of doing so. I’m playing some instrumental music in my Ipod and a speaker. Really sweet.. and sad as well..

I wish I could go back to the time when i had few concerns about life. Well, life is never a fairy tale. That’s why fairy tales are written to complement reality.

I know now how sad I am. And it’s either I sulk here until the weekend passes, only to wake up to work again.. Or, I could do something productive and relaxing. Like watercolor painting perhaps? I have been itching to hold a paintbrush again. After about three to four years, I will paint again.

Yes, that’s it. Things really do happen in certain times – in their time.

Well, this is just a time in my life. Happy 24th birthday to me

My officemates gave me this last night. Thanks guys

Missing you my dear, always…