Davao Wordpresser

I have been thinking lately… thinking about my life.

My mind is confused and my heart is heavy. Probably because of thoughts and emotions intertwined in complexity and turmoil. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to stop.

I remember someone saying that you can describe LIFE in three words. It goes on. True enough, it does. Just like in a race, when one falls, the others go on and continue. At times when you feel you hit rock bottom, the world doesn’t stop to morn with you, to be sad with you, to simply listen to you. Things keep on moving. People keep on living. That’s just how things are in this world of the living.

I would say that right now, I’m once again in a crossroad. Faced with a choice of changing my world or changing my self. There are times in one’s life that you tend to be too comfortable of what you are and what you have that you don’t accept change. You resist change. I guess that’s where I am. I am stuck in this small, little comfortable air bubble that I call my reality and simply ignores the harsh realities that I should be dealing with outside.

Whenever you are outside your comfort zone, you are vulnerable. And basically, I don’t want to feel such. To simply put it, I’m not much of a risk taker. I play safe. And I guess that’s where trouble begins. Whenever trouble boils, I tend to shield myself by going inside my bubble, my mental place of safety. I stay there and wait until the coast is clear. I find out later on that the world has passed by me.

Resistance to change is resistance to growth. I know I’m preaching ironically. But saying it boldly is something to start with. I hate change probably because I hate to grow. Why do I hate to grow? Because it’s painful. Who wants pain right? But should one stop growing just because it’s painful?

It’s often difficult to bring yourself to conclusion. As a person, we usually solicit advice from others who know us and see us in a different light. Right now, I’m writing “out loud” my thoughts. This way, I get to document it. Read it. And make it a reality. As writing they say is therapeutic, it is as well a means to personal realization and resolution. I hope to reach that stage, that part where happy endings are simply the beginnings.

I remember one time I took this “How Geek are You” test in facebook. The result made me smirk. It said I am not really a geek but just a dreamer caught in my little own world. It was fun. But I felt it was true as well. It brought about a silent reality in me, a confirming thought I tried to avoid.

So I guess this is where I am right now. A lot must be done, inside and out. I guess what you feel inside manifests outside, in your actions, your words. Cleaning the outside is but a useless effort if one does not begin within. Once again, I’m preaching ironically here. But I guess that’s just how I talk to myself.

Life is hard and avoiding it makes it much worse. One just have to learn to live with the fact that things just don’t always go our way. Quoting one book, “The world does not owe us a living. In fact, it does not owe us anything. It was here first”. Very true.

I guess I just have to learn to swallow what I find difficult to swallow. That’s just how it is – all in the world of the living.